Outdoor Articles

And I Now Pronounce You

by Pursue The Outdoors on June 3rd, 2005 in Humor

…and I now pronounce you…

OK, so I pick up my morning newspaper early today, and after going through the usual worldly events and current update on the Chicago Cubs, I come across BIG fishing news. That’s big with a capital “B” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for catfish. One hundred and twenty four pounds of catfish to be exact.

Staring back at me from the outdoor news, is an Ilinois man embracing a large new world record blue catfish. Very impressive indeed. The story goes on to mention the epic 30 minute battle that ensued, and shows the victorious fisherman holding the behemoth fish like some newly wedded bride about to be carried across the threshold. Put a vail and pair a heels on that baby and they make a pretty handsome couple. I can only hope that the marriage was not consumated!

The next thing that strikes me as amusing in the photo, is that “the groom” is wearing gloves. This alone would not be amusing, and actually would make perfect sense considering catfish of any breed have never been regarded as highly fragrant…in the PLEASANT sense. What strikes me as funny is that he is clutching his “bride” closely to his chest–agai–arms embraced around tightly, obviously eschewing any regard for the after effects to his clothing or person.


“Put some gloves on Bob, you don’t want to get that nasty Catfish smell on yer hands!!”

Don’t get me wrong, I too would like to catch a world record, trophy fish of any breed and currently have been seen stalking KOI ponds around the country in search of BIG LOUIE!! I’m just not sure I want to be photographically remembered as ” the guy who looked like he was about to make love to a Goldfish.”

Furthermore, the story goes on to mention that “Elvira” (do you mind if I give her a name?) is going to reside in Kansas City, Kansas, in a new brand new home (tank) at Cabela’s, the giant catalog and retail outfitter. It makes no mention of the future home of the “groom”, but I assume the newlyweds won’t want to be to far apart, so maybe he will be working in the “noodling supplies” section at Cabela’s?

Unfortunately, this story ends tragically. The “bride” passed on to the big Friday Fish Fry in the sky, enroute to the couple’s new home. Maybe if she had only lost a few pounds before the union?

Funeral arrangements are pending. Until then the body can be viewed hanging proudly above aisle 14, right near the fish attractants.

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